Hiya friends, welcome back to my adorable and random little corner of the internet. I have a problem, and we need to talk about it. K-pop! I am hoofin addicted and I’m not even mad. I completely blame this recent addiction on Tiff (you can follow her here…go tell her I sent you and remind her that this is all her fault).
Let’s start from the beginning with this. Tiff and I have been swapping music back and forth for a little while now, and she constantly sends me random Korean pop music videos, everything from MBLAQ to Shinee. Not gonna lie, every video she sent me was incredible – the level of creativity and work that goes into them is just unmatched. One night she sends me this video and as usual, I watch it. Little did I know this was the beginning of the end. The video was the “SEXIEST K-POP BOY GROUP MUSIC VIDEOS (NSFW)”, and I spotted Big Bang with a half-naked Taeyang and some backup dancers. Next thing I knew it was 3AM and I was crawling out of a YouTube black hole laden with Big Bang MV’s (music videos), I had drank the kool-aid and I was officially a fan.
This newfound love has led me to knowledge I never knew I needed. Firstly, Big Bang is known as the gateway drug when it comes to K-pop, with good fucking reason. There is also a reason they are called the “Kings of K-pop.” Honestly, their music videos are insane! It doesn’t even matter that I don’t speak the language, I get the meaning. Not to mention, I could watch them dance all day. ALL. FUCKING. DAY. And, I have.
Back to the knowledge thing, do you know what a bias is? I do. Let me fill you in. Your bias is your favorite member of a group. When this all began my bias was firmly rooted in Taeyang. Honestly, so hot, and he absolutely hates shirts, again for a good reason. I mean, I’d hate shirts if I looked like that underneath, too.
How about a bias wrecker? For me, that would be GD. A bias wrecker is the member of a group who very literally ruins your original bias, the one who makes you question your original fav. There I was all happy in my stanning of Taeyang, and out of nowhere comes GD with his damn seaweed bangs, ruining everything. Another YouTube black hole later, and I had found my ultimate bias. I can hear you asking what that is. I’ll explain. GD is the top of my ultimate bias list, 
meaning he’s the King, he reigns supreme, and I’m but a lowly servant of Stanville. (On second thought, I wanna be the Mayor of Stanville, set your sights high, Chingudeul.)
Why do I need to know this stuff? The correct answer is that I don’t, but I’m honestly not complaining. I actually enjoy the music, and like I said, the videos are crazy impressive. Not to mention, I can listen to the songs and not get distracted by dissecting every little lyric. (Notice I said songs and not videos, the videos are very distracting, with all the gyrating men and bright colors.)
So, I found this damn thing on the interwebs and I’ve decided to answer the questions in this post. It’ll give you insight into my love for this damn group. I’d also invite all the K-pop fans out there to answer the questions in the comments below, as I’m on the hunt for new groups.
Who is your ultimate bias group?
Obviously, my Ultimate Bias Group is Big Bang.
What is your favorite song?
Picking my favorite song is difficult because I genuinely love all of them, but if I had to pick I think it would be “If You.” I figure a lot of people would pick faster songs, but this is so good.
Favorite music video?
Hands down favorite music video is a tie between “Bae, Bae” and “Love Song.” One is so colorful and in your face, while the other is very muted and understated.
Favorite concept?
My favorite concept is definitely from “Fantastic Baby.” I love the idea of this “Anti-music” movement and the group is sort of fighting against that. The final scene is the five members sitting on thrones, sort of showing their place in the genre. (At least, that’s how I see it.)
If you had to pick a song that you don’t like, what would it be and why?
This is just as hard as a favorite because I like all their songs. I’m gonna go with “Last Dance,” only because it bums me the hoof out.
Who is your bias in the group?
I’ve already covered this: Taeyang. He’s just very…everything. His voice and aversion to shirts doesn’t hurt.
Who is your bias list wrecker?
Again, GD. He sneaks up on ya, at least he did on me. All seaweed bangs, and crazy outfits…I was very unsuspecting. His talent is also very attractive.
Pick your favorite photo of the group and explain why?
I adore this picture, simply because you have them all kind of doing what they do best. GD pulling a silly face, TOP giving those bedroom eyes, Seungri looks like he’s talking, Taeyang looks cool, and Daesung is smiling that smile. It’s just pretty perfect.
Finally, explain why someone should listen to this group if they haven’t already?
Honestly, if you haven’t listened to any k-pop this is a perfect place to start. Not only are they are very good at what they do, but it’s fun to watch them do it. Plus, once you have listened to all the group’s songs, you can embark on their solo stuff and it’s just as good.
Well, there ya have it my friends. I have a K-pop addiction, and I honestly don’t see it changing any time soon. I hope you guys are having a wonderful week. Until next time…
room is a color called “Salamander” but seriously, it’s basically Link’s Tunic Green (not really shocking if you know Hobbs). The other colors were chosen, I suspect, for their names more than the actual hue. They all have space-related names, Hobbs is a nerd for space. Needless to say, the new paint made the house feel more like us. Also, as I write this I’m pricing out new dishwashers because ours shit the bed. Buying a house was a dream of ours, but man we were NOT prepared for how much money we were about to sink into it.
let me tell you…I nailed it!) Honestly, I enjoyed having my whole family here, and it wasn’t as horrible as I initially thought it would be. I might even consider doing it again next year…don’t hold me to that though. Oh, before I forget, two honorable mentions for this section of my life…both my oldest nephew and my brother got engaged in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I get a new sister-in-law, and a new niece-in-law (is that even a thing?). Also shocking…I like them both.
This year I refuse to make resolutions, mainly because I never fucking keep them. In place of hastily made resolutions, I’ve decided to implement some simple, yet well-placed, changes. Firstly, I’m gonna work on taking care of myself better, not just physically but mentally as well. To be fair, my mental health has taken a backseat and I think I’ve gotten myself as far as I can on my own. I’m taking my own advice and calling in some reinforcements. Wish me luck. Next, it’s time to get my shit together. The plan is to get myself on a schedule, that way I have time to write. I miss writing. I need to write more. I just want to have time to sit here and be creative without worrying over what’s not getting done. Lastly, Hobbs and I have made the decision that it’s time to start the family plan. We’ve been married 7 years and together almost 11, and we’ve been putting off the kids because there were things we wanted to do first (namely, buy a fucking house). Well, we’ve gone and done that, so let’s add tiny Hobbs and Biblios.
I was a little anxious today. On the scale, I’d say I was probably coming in at a 7 or 8. What made it really annoying was that I really couldn’t figure out why. It probably didn’t help that Panic showed up at around noon and decided we were having a day together. Sometimes, I think I can handle both, anxiety and panic, really well when they’re separate, but when they decide to gang up on me? Yeah, fucking forget it.
the house (ours is only a 100 amp, and that means no running the stove and the dryer at the same time. Buy a house, they said. It’ll be fun, they said…). A trip to Lowe’s meant that I needed to shut the Asshole and panic down so I could get my shit done, and that’s exactly what I did. I even went out to dinner, granted by the end of the meal, I was crawling out of my skin to get home, but still.
Have you ever just felt off? That’s how I felt all day on Monday. I honestly don’t know if it was due to the lack of sleep or the Asshole just hanging around. It almost felt like I couldn’t get my brain and body on the same page. All. Damn. Day.
complete with barbed wire walls and lego floors (he really hates it and that gives me some sort of sick pleasure).
people, there are things on our walls now – about fucking time, to be honest. I was super proud of myself, I drilled and hammered like a boss (did anyone else’s brain take a trip in the gutter? No? Just mine then?). Hobbs was the ever present moral support, helping me decide where things went but other than that I was on my own for the actual hanging.
guess he decided it was game time. I spent a lot of the night battling and trying to get caught up on my blog. I don’t even know why he showed up, honestly. I did some thinking about it, and it could be a number of things, from preparing for our guests to worrying about this job I applied for. I’m basically too tired to fight him tonight, so I’m just going to attempt to sleep this away. Wish me luck!
four, and I felt I could take on the world. This feeling happens so few and far between that when it does I fucking revel in it.
my anxiety and panic. Which inevitably reminded me that, in that time, I never thought I’d come out on the other side. Whenever Hobbs and I discuss this period of time, we just call it ‘The Dark Time’. Obviously, it’s not really my favorite thing in the world to talk about. I mean, I’d much rather talk about my family and friends, or my pets. Actually, I’d really rather poke hot nails into my eyes, then go back there again, which is exactly why I’ve decided to talk about it now. I feel this need to tell people about how bad it can get, how bad I can get.
the vest is because people look at you differently the second you tell them. There is a moment after the words come out, that you notice the look in their eyes changes. You are no longer what they thought you once were, and instead they now know all the darkness that lives inside you.
are reasons people tell you to not live with relatives, there really are. I was still rather new in my dealings with anxiety and panic, and I’ve said before, I was struggling. The only way I can describe the struggle that I was dealing with is like this: have you ever felt like you were doing everything in your power to keep your head above water, and yet you know that it’s futile? That there is something dragging you to the depths? This is how I felt everyday when I woke up. I never had four days then, and looking back on it, I was certain I never would have a good day again. Between the anxiety/panic and living with people who were constantly finding ways to belittle me, I was drowning, and I knew it.
do with me. In that time, I was seeing my life in shades of grey; nothing made me happy. I knew on some level this was happening because I was actually believing the words I was hearing, but I couldn’t drag myself out of it. I tried not to listen to them and to block them out, but nothing worked. I was constantly hearing how horrible I was, stupid, fat, worthless (I actually described myself that way to my mother one night and I’m positive she was trying to climb through the phone to throttle me).
greeted the depression. I knew something was different. I went through the day like I usually would, cleaning, laundry, cooking. Later in the day, after Hobbs came home, I stepped onto the porch for something and I heard some of his family talking about me. “The girl is no good, she’s just dragging him down.” The last things I heard were “white trash,” and that was it. I was done. I knew I couldn’t face these people anymore. I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in a mirror then. I remember sitting down to dinner with Hobbs and really giving it my all, he actually said, “You seem better today, that’s amazing.” I wasn’t better, I was gone. I drank my face off that night, I needed the liquid courage.
got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I wasn’t even crying, I just felt numb. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt that but god, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I opened the cabinet near the sink and searched for the pills, they weren’t there. Now I know that Hobbs has gotten rid of them without knowing what I had planned. I was fucking angry, and I took the fact that I couldn’t find them to mean I needed another way out. I thought about breaking the mirror, I mean, they do that in movies all the time, it can’t be that hard. My next thought was how I didn’t want Hobbs to have to wake up to that. It would be much better for him if it looked like I just went to sleep, no gore, he didn’t deserve that.
floor that night, trying to figure out how I was going to do this. One half of me was begging for the calm that would follow, while the other was telling me to fight. It wasn’t until Hobbs walked into the living room and asked why I was still awake that I realized I had stayed up all night fighting with myself. In that moment, I looked at him and just knew I couldn’t go through with it.
I started seeing a new therapist within the week, on Hobbs insistence. We also started looking at new places. It took a little while, but we found a new place. We never told them we were leaving, just started packing and one weekend, moved out. It wasn’t until we had moved into the new apartment that he finally got the courage to say, “You were going to take them if you found them, weren’t you?” I gave him the only answer I could, “Yes.”
adn’t ever been to that place before, and thankfully, I’ve not been back since. I know that talking about it helped me, and I’m not saying that’s all it took, but it helped. If you are, or you know someone who is, in that place right now…reach out. Reach out to anyone, I don’t care if it’s a significant other, a friend, or a fucking stranger, no one deserves to go through that alone. The dark is scary when you’re alone. Sometimes it helps to ask a friend for a flashlight. I’ve got one if someone needs it.
Usually, I do not leave the house without my security blanket – otherwise known as Hobbs. (He tends to act as a buffer between me and the world…actually it’s more like he keeps me anchored so I don’t drown in the anxiety or panic.) As we all know, he has been home this week because he’s sick, so he couldn’t very well go to the store with me, could he? Unfortunately, his not being able to go didn’t change the fact that we needed shit from said store, so I had to suck it up and go buy said shit.
panic attacks in public. I can usually keep the Asshole at bay long enough to pop in someplace and grab a few things; I mean, he talks shit the whole time, but generally, I can control it for a bit. (Side note: if anyone could see inside my memory warehouse they would laugh at the scene. It’s basically just the Asshole and I having a Mortal Kombat style face off, with the warehouse employees shouting “finish him.”) It’s really just the panic attacks that come out of fucking nowhere that ruins the real world for me. For a long time, I couldn’t bring myself to risk it; it wasn’t worth it. Y’know when people say the risk is worth the reward? Yeah, not here. I have seen enough brain wranglers to know that I was dealing with a mild form of agoraphobia.
Up until a few months ago, I avoided leaving the house at all cost.
that, even when shit goes sideways, I’m not doing too bad. What’s that saying, “it’s a bad day, not a bad life”? I’m gonna get that shit embroidered on a pillow, and put it where I can see it every day to remind myself. (For those wondering, an embroidered pillow with the saying of your choice, is anywhere from $18.99 to $ 32.99. That’s vaguely affordable if you ask me.) Alright, it’s almost tomorrow now, so I should probably try to unwind and get to sleep before 3 am.