Hiya friends, welcome back. First off I want to apologize for not posting on Friday, I had a ton of stuff going on and honestly just didn’t have time to write a post. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get mental. (Terrible pun)
Anxiety is a bitch, if you have anxiety or a panic issue you know how bad it sucks. I am super lucky in the fact that my support system understands my wonky brain now, but it wasn’t always that way. Looking back on the years since my diagnosis there were some rough times when it came to explaining what was happening to me. I searched everywhere for articles and tools to help me convey what I was feeling, and sometimes it still wasn’t enough. My family had trouble with the fact that I wouldn’t go to family parties or be around on holidays, my friends got annoyed with me for bailing on plans or showing up and leaving quickly. In the early days, I would get mad that they felt slighted when I was clearly the one dealing with this shit, but what I’ve come to realize is as hard as it is to have anxiety, it’s even harder to watch someone you care about suffer with it.
For my family, they only saw their loved one go from an outgoing and happy person to someone who couldn’t handle being outside my house. My friends watched me change from the girl who loved to hang out and have fun, to someone who couldn’t bear to be in a crowd. It wasn’t me they were mad at, it was the situation I was in and they couldn’t help. If it was hard for me to come to grips with this, I can only imagine it was equally as hard for them to see.
I was reminded of this fact this weekend when my mom made this comment, “I didn’t invite you because I didn’t know if you’d feel up to it.” My immediate response was anger and frustration toward her for saying something so flippant, but then I remembered, she’s trying to be helpful in the only way she knows how. She has never felt like there was an elephant sitting on her chest as she struggled to breathe. She’s never had to feel like the entire world is spinning so fast and yet you’re not moving. She has never had her brain actively working to sabotage EVERY. SINGLE. THING in her life and she’s powerless to stop it. She doesn’t know how it feels to sit in a room with a doctor and dissect every detail to find the root of the problem. Yet, I am expecting her, and the rest of my family and friends, to understand what’s happening to me as though they have.
I guess what I’m saying is, I ask them to cut me some slack more often than I care to admit, so shouldn’t I give them the same courtesy. In all honesty, I don’t think I wrote this post for anyone other than myself, I need the reminder sometimes.
Well, that’s that my friends. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, and if you’re a mother, Happy (late) Mother’s Day to you. Until next time….