Hiya friends, welcome back. Holy shit, I have had a very weird day. After yesterday, I was hoping today would be a little better, and luckily, it was. The Asshole didn’t hang around all day, but he did make a few guest appearances. My friend likes to joke that the week of my period should be known as “date week” between Flo and the Asshole. Personally, I love that visual; a passive-aggressive woman sitting at the bar, drinking a cosmo and chatting up a greaseball chugging bourbon on the rocks, while Lady in Red plays on the jukebox (see what I did there?). A little humor among an otherwise shitty time.
The day after a particularly anxious time is a somewhat uncomfortable one for me. It’s almost like I’m caught in between two realms. One where I am feeling really drained, and the other where I just want to move on. This feeling tends to cause me to roller coaster through the day. I’ll be fine for a little bit and then the anxiety hits again; it’s a constant feeling of up and down. This is what I felt today. Sometimes it’s even more annoying than the actual anxiety or panic, because at least when that’s over my body can relax. When that feeling of up and down happens, it’s like my entire body is on high alert just waiting for the next panic attack to swoop in.
So, I spent most of my day having (and preparing to have) panic attacks. Granted the ones that ended up happening weren’t terrible, I’ve had definitely had worse. I like to refer to this as rolling panic attacks, I think it’s very fitting. They just sort of happen and then wane off. I don’t know if anyone out there has panic attacks but every doctor I’ve ever seen told me not fight them. Just let them get on with it and move on. There are many things I’ve tried that doctors told me would work, and quite a few of them didn’t (at least not for me), but I learned very quickly to stop fighting the panic attacks. When I fought them it seemed like they were growing and would quickly get out of control. I’d literally be white knuckling my way through them, all while trying to get them to just stop.
We went to the store tonight, just a quick trip to get a few things until we can do
a proper shop this weekend. Now, when I go out anywhere, I try to lock the Asshole up inside a maze. Before we walk into anywhere, I sort of go quiet because I’m focusing on fortifying the maze to keep him from busting out and causing me to run out of the store. I know the maze sounds absolutely ridiculous but it has actually worked.
This is one of those weird things where, if you don’t struggle with something like this, it’s hard to imagine having to retreat inside and build a maze inside your brain, all for the purpose of being able to do something as simple as grocery shopping. Honestly, though, this is less annoying than having to leave a shopping cart full of food as you quickly walk to the nearest exit. People tend to stare when they see a someone moving fast toward an exit, which makes me feel even more anxious because I can’t only imagine what they’re saying about me.
I’m afraid that’s all I have for today, folks. As usual below are two numbers, the National Suicide Prevention Helpline, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline, use them if you need them. I’ll see you lovely lot tomorrow.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)