Hiya friends, welcome back. I have exciting stuff to say today (well, maybe not exciting for you, but for me, it’s hoofing massive). I went shopping. Twice. Once yesterday and once today, BY MYSELF. You probably just read that and made the wtf face at your screen, but seriously, this is a victory for me. A small one, but a victory nonetheless.
Usually, I do not leave the house without my security blanket – otherwise known as Hobbs. (He tends to act as a buffer between me and the world…actually it’s more like he keeps me anchored so I don’t drown in the anxiety or panic.) As we all know, he has been home this week because he’s sick, so he couldn’t very well go to the store with me, could he? Unfortunately, his not being able to go didn’t change the fact that we needed shit from said store, so I had to suck it up and go buy said shit.
Backstory time, gather round kids. Up until two months ago I did not have a car, and had not had one for a good 5 years maybe, so, technically, there was a very valid reason for me never venturing out on my own. The true reason, however, is that I was avoiding the outside world because I loathe having panic attacks in public. I can usually keep the Asshole at bay long enough to pop in someplace and grab a few things; I mean, he talks shit the whole time, but generally, I can control it for a bit. (Side note: if anyone could see inside my memory warehouse they would laugh at the scene. It’s basically just the Asshole and I having a Mortal Kombat style face off, with the warehouse employees shouting “finish him.”) It’s really just the panic attacks that come out of fucking nowhere that ruins the real world for me. For a long time, I couldn’t bring myself to risk it; it wasn’t worth it. Y’know when people say the risk is worth the reward? Yeah, not here. I have seen enough brain wranglers to know that I was dealing with a mild form of agoraphobia.
Up until a few months ago, I avoided leaving the house at all cost.
Up until two days ago, I avoided leaving the house alone.
But, I did it. Two different stores, in two days, all alone. I made it with no panic attacks in public. I mean, the Asshole chatted shit the whole time, but I stuck him in a maze with barbed wire on the walls and legos strewn across the floor. He was not happy, but it kept him occupied long enough for me to get the shit I needed and get out. I’m not even gonna lie, I walked through the front door of my house and happy danced my ass all the way to my kitchen to put away the groceries. It was a small victory, but it was a massive moment in my journey.
In other news for the day, I have been feeling pretty…okay. Hobbs is on the mend which means the anxiety over that has sort of melted away. I’m feeling better every day, so that’s faded too. The weather is finally getting nicer, which for some reason, always affects my anxiety (if anyone knows anything about why this is, please let me know). I cooked a delicious dinner (minus the weird grain mix we tried that reminded me of birdseed). It was the closest I’ve been to a four day in like a week and a half, so that’s pretty damn good. All in all, it’s been a really good day.
Writing these every night gives me time to reflect and it’s making me realize that, even when shit goes sideways, I’m not doing too bad. What’s that saying, “it’s a bad day, not a bad life”? I’m gonna get that shit embroidered on a pillow, and put it where I can see it every day to remind myself. (For those wondering, an embroidered pillow with the saying of your choice, is anywhere from $18.99 to $ 32.99. That’s vaguely affordable if you ask me.) Alright, it’s almost tomorrow now, so I should probably try to unwind and get to sleep before 3 am.
You guys know the drill by now, there are two numbers down at the bottom, the National Suicide Prevention Helpline, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline, use them if you need them. See you lovely lot tomorrow.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)