Hiya friends, welcome back. I am forever apologizing for my absence, but I’m going to explain why. You might want a snack, and maybe a drink, shit’s about to get real. It’s also gonna be a long one, again, I apologize.
Since I started this blog thing, I’ve tried to be as open and honest as I could be about my life and dealing with anxiety and panic disorders. I have to admit, while I would discuss any of it, what I wouldn’t talk about was just how bad it had gotten. I tend to downplay the struggle because I don’t like to come across as whiny or weak.
For the better part of seven years, I’ve worn this mask of the funny girl, who gets awkward when she’s anxious and makes silly jokes to keep people from seeing the fear and pain that hide in her brain. I’ve lied and said I’m fine more times than I care to count. I’ve smiled and laughed when in actuality I just wanted to hide and cry. I never wanted people to look at me and see the broken, hurt, fear, or lonely. I wanted to be tough, and brave, I needed to be the one who fixed everyone else’s problems so I could be proud and feel useful, but I was really just running from my own baggage and the emotions that came with it.
Around the tail end of last year, my mask started to slip. It became increasingly difficult to play my role when inside I was just in fucking tatters. I knew that something had to give, I’d come to a crossroad and a decision had to be made. Essentially the door in my Memory Warehouse, behind which I store all the shitty things I don’t want to deal with or think about, had broken (shitty craftsmanship on my part) and the Asshole was in there having a fucking field day. I had run out of duct tape and wood. I dealt with it as best I could, and all but crawled my way through the holidays and the new year. I wrote my cookie cutter blogs about happier things and tried to fake my way through.
I think those closest to me had some inclination that something wasn’t right, but I also think they were too afraid to tell me they could see behind the mask. I tend to get a bit snippy when people ask if I’m okay, especially if I’m not. It meant people were seeing me for what I was, an anxious and panicky mess.
Cut to April. The happy blogs had stopped, and so had I. My days were just a roller coaster of anxiety and panic. I was having trouble sleeping, and when I did it was not very restful. I came to the realization that I’ve been fighting this battle solo for a very long time, I was drowning and it was time to ask for some help.
The next day, I made an appointment with my GP and from there she put me in touch with a woman in the practice who could help. After an appointment with the behavioral health specialist, she gave me the number of a therapist that she thought could help. I called him that day and scheduled an appointment.
It’s been about six weeks since I started seeing the Brain Wrangler (hereby 
known as Doc), and I feel like I can breathe a bit easier now. It’s a slow process, but I’m working through it and this time I’m not alone. Doc thinks it’s time to dismantle the door and clear out the infection. I am about to stand toe-to-toe with every shitty piece of my past, and I’d be lying if I said this didn’t petrify me. Just thinking about reliving some of this shit makes me want to run and hide, but I know it has to happen. I know the only way I can find peace, and the elusive beast that is actual happiness is to do this. I know I’ll never be “cured,” I’ll deal with anxiety and panic forever, but I can find some relief. I deserve it.
Well, there you have it, the truth about where I’ve been. I plan on writing some more about this, so if that sounds like something you’d be interested in…stick around. If not, I totally get it, looking inside someone’s brain isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
Until next time…
Hiya friends, welcome back. Lately, with my life being really hectic (between school, work, and everything else), all of this can really ratchet the anxiety up, let’s just say panic attacks are happening at least three times a week.
For the past couple of months, I have been learning some Korean (like I don’t already have enough going on). All blame on this goes to Tiff. She started learning it, and would randomly text me words she’d been learning and I got annoyed that I couldn’t understand her…so bada-bing-bada-boom…here we are.
and workbook, plus the Hangul workbook, and it’s actually made learning the language fun and interesting. Granted the illustrations have caused me to gigglesnort more than once, but maybe that adds to the experience.
I woke up and the world TILTED. Seriously, I sat up everything went wonky. My first thought was that I’d just gotten up too fast, no big deal, it’s happened before and it usually just goes away. When it didn’t pass, my next thought was a panic attack (dizziness or lightheadedness tends to be a big indicator for me). Again, no dice.
she was also worried about anemia because I was pale. So, they also did an EKG and blood work. I ended up having to take Thursday and Friday off of work. Driving was not an option.
ix of terror and excitement never killed anyone, right?) I mean, we’ve been married 8 years this coming August, and I think we always knew we wanted a family, we’ve just never been sure it was the right time. I say we, but let’s be honest, I’ve been Captain Hook-ing my way through life for a few years now. TICK TOCK. I definitely just pictured a tiny baby croc crawling after me holding a clock, cute and terrifying.
Let’s talk about my fears for a sec. I’ve heard some stories, people. Hobbs always tells me he had a big ole head when he was born, and I’m completely fine with not feeling that pain. Is it bad to say I hope our maybe baby takes after me in that aspect? My head was normal sized, or so I’ve been told. I mean, he definitely grew into his, but jeez people, I’ve seen the pictures, it was like a melon on a wrinkly little body. (Before I get skewered for this…he was adorable as all hell, but I mean, I can only imagine the pain) Okay, next fear: the whole unknown of this is huge for me. The idea that this might not work is a serious thing that makes me freak out a little bit, on the inside.
the Vaseline was for the cat, which doesn’t sound much better…fuckkkk. (I’ll explain about the cat in another post, it’s a big thing and it’ll make sense then) Our life is already like a series of awkward situations, let’s add a kid and really shake things up.
Back to the knowledge thing, do you know what a bias is? I do. Let me fill you in. Your bias is your favorite member of a group. When this all began my bias was firmly rooted in Taeyang. Honestly, so hot, and he absolutely hates shirts, again for a good reason. I mean, I’d hate shirts if I looked like that underneath, too.
meaning he’s the King, he reigns supreme, and I’m but a lowly servant of Stanville. (On second thought, I wanna be the Mayor of Stanville, set your sights high, Chingudeul.)
I adore this picture, simply because you have them all kind of doing what they do best. GD pulling a silly face, TOP giving those bedroom eyes, Seungri looks like he’s talking, Taeyang looks cool, and Daesung is smiling that smile. It’s just pretty perfect.
room is a color called “Salamander” but seriously, it’s basically Link’s Tunic Green (not really shocking if you know Hobbs). The other colors were chosen, I suspect, for their names more than the actual hue. They all have space-related names, Hobbs is a nerd for space. Needless to say, the new paint made the house feel more like us. Also, as I write this I’m pricing out new dishwashers because ours shit the bed. Buying a house was a dream of ours, but man we were NOT prepared for how much money we were about to sink into it.
let me tell you…I nailed it!) Honestly, I enjoyed having my whole family here, and it wasn’t as horrible as I initially thought it would be. I might even consider doing it again next year…don’t hold me to that though. Oh, before I forget, two honorable mentions for this section of my life…both my oldest nephew and my brother got engaged in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I get a new sister-in-law, and a new niece-in-law (is that even a thing?). Also shocking…I like them both.
This year I refuse to make resolutions, mainly because I never fucking keep them. In place of hastily made resolutions, I’ve decided to implement some simple, yet well-placed, changes. Firstly, I’m gonna work on taking care of myself better, not just physically but mentally as well. To be fair, my mental health has taken a backseat and I think I’ve gotten myself as far as I can on my own. I’m taking my own advice and calling in some reinforcements. Wish me luck. Next, it’s time to get my shit together. The plan is to get myself on a schedule, that way I have time to write. I miss writing. I need to write more. I just want to have time to sit here and be creative without worrying over what’s not getting done. Lastly, Hobbs and I have made the decision that it’s time to start the family plan. We’ve been married 7 years and together almost 11, and we’ve been putting off the kids because there were things we wanted to do first (namely, buy a fucking house). Well, we’ve gone and done that, so let’s add tiny Hobbs and Biblios.
The Biblio Feels 