My Fucked Up Brain and Little Arms

Hiya friends, welcome back. Ugh, I’m angry with myself. Here I am, having to apologize for missing a post, again. Honestly, on Thursday I just couldn’t sit at my computer for any longer than it took to finish my homework, then on Friday I was so busy, I just didn’t have the time to sit – period. I swear, I will finish these next two weeks strong.

Let’s get right into my last two days. Remember the other day, how I said I could just see Asshole sitting there, acting like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth? Yeah, I was fucking right. He came out swinging Thursday morning and was a thorn in my side all hoofin day.

Now you see it, right?

Every morning I wake up at about 6am to give the Furry Overlord his insulin. Some mornings I go back to sleep for a bit, other days I just stay up, it really depends on the night before and how I’m feeling. Well, Thursday I woke up late and as I sat up, I felt the dizziness start. That was when I knew Asshole was gonna be around all day. Every person with anxiety will tell you that there is one symptom that always shows up first, for me it’s dizziness. If I get dizzy, it’s a fair assumption that I’m going to spend the day/night anxious or panicky. I proceeded to pinball my way down the stairs to administer the Meowser’s meds. While standing in the kitchen I felt the next telltale signs of the Asshole’s presence, the nausea and the racing heart. In that moment, I knew going back to sleep was out of the question.

I basically spent most of Thursday trying to get my homework done as fast as I could so I could just go relax. I also spent a great deal of time pleading with the universe to stop spinning my house so fast. By the time Hobbs got home, I’d had enough, I was over the spinning and I was just ready to lay in my bed and sleep. We got takeout because I couldn’t stand up to cook (it was fucking annoying). By the time we went to bed, I had decided to just write the day off and try to make Friday better. I laid there, propped up and doing puzzles on my laptop, until the sweet relief of sleep claimed me.

Cut to Friday morning. Wake up. Assess the dizziness…it’s gone! Yes! I happy danced in

My spirit animal

my bedroom and then all the way down the stairs. My day was full to the brim of cleaning and moving things in preparation for our house guests. (T-minus 19 days until they arrive, and I can barely contain my excitement!!! Tiff says three exclamation points is overkill, I say she doesn’t understand my excitement.) I got my kitchen and bathroom cleaned, while Hobbs and his friend moved some furniture that was too heavy for me and my T-Rex arms (they’re basically just there for show and to carry babies).

All in all, between Thursday and Friday, I had two very different days. One was spent battling with my mind, the other was so busy I don’t think I sat most of the day. This is how my life goes. No two days are ever the same. At times it’s fucking annoying, but there are some times I don’t actually mind it. Don’t get me wrong, the anxiety and panic suck, but at least my life is never boring.

I hate to cut this short, but I have some homework to finish before I get to go to bed tonight. You guys know the drill by now, there are two numbers down at the bottom, the National Suicide Prevention Helpline, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline, use them if you need them. See you lovely lot tomorrow.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

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A Month Inside My Brain

Hiya friends, welcome back. I don’t know if you guys know this, but May is Mental Health Awareness month. So, I’ve made a decision: this whole month, in an attempt to help reduce the stigma and bring awareness, I’m going to be documenting my personal month dealing with mental health.

The interesting thing is, you are probably going to see one extreme to the other, and everything in between. Like most people who live with mental illness, I have good and bad days. I have days where leaving the house and going grocery shopping is just easy peasy, and then I have days where I’m literally forcing my ass to get out of bed. Though the month, in addition to chronicling my life, I’m also going to be talking about all the things that work for me, and all the things that don’t.

Fun fact: I’m both excited about this and fucking petrified. Just being this brutally and unapologetically (which is very hard for me) honest about my day to day when it comes to my mental health is scary. On one level I know it could be helpful to someone who just might want to know they aren’t alone. On another, it’s frightening to put myself out there like this.

I guess, the best way to start this is to give you my rundown. In case you’re new and don’t know, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and a panic disorder. I think the anxiety and panic was always there growing up, but I was probably just too busy to really focus on it. I wasn’t actually diagnosed, by a real doctor, till about 7 years ago. My life has been a rollercoaster ride of trying to find some semblance of normalcy ever since.

To be truthful, the first year after my diagnosis was hard on me. I tried medication after medication, and doctor after doctor. I seriously struggled with finding myself among the anxiety. It was a scary time in my life, and I think that boils down to never knowing anyone who was dealing with anxiety. I mean, we’ve all heard someone talk about something making them anxious, or feeling anxious, but no one ever told me the full effects of anxiety.

My first anxiety/panic attack was horrible, I was certain I was dying. My heart was racing to the point where I was positive others could see it beating out of my chest, then the chest pains started that made me think I was having a heart attack. I was sweaty and cold all at the same time, and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. The nausea and dizziness made me scared to move, which only heightened the panic. Oh man, it was rough, and looking back now, I honestly can’t imagine having to go through that first attack again.

I couldn’t believe people weren’t talking about this, I mean, people had to be dying from it? (Side note: that’s a lovely example of my anxiety right there…my brain takes something completely normal, and not life-threatening and blows it out of proportion.) But then again, in the beginning, I didn’t want to talk about it either. I just had this fear that people (including family and friends) would judge me, or think I was “crazy.” Cut to 7 years later, and now I see how talking about it helps. I mean, it’s really two-fold, I get to get my feelings out, which makes my brain sit down and shut the fuck up, but, by talking about it, I can help someone like me. Someone who may be newly diagnosed and looking for a face in the crowd, looking for anyone who understands just so they know they’re not alone.

I guess, in a roundabout way, what I am trying to say is that I can only hope that by doing this for the entirety of the month of May, that maybe one person will read something that resonates with them. That being said, here is my promise to you: I will be unflinchingly honest about my mental health. Whether it be good or bad, you will read it. Thrown into the daily posts, I’ll try to talk about the how’s and why’s of mine, what works and doesn’t for me, along with all of the ups and downs I’ve lived after anxiety showed up.

You will also notice at the bottom of every post there will be two numbers: the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline, because this is a very real thing. I encourage anyone who is struggling, or feels lost – or knows someone who is – share the numbers, use the numbers. There is no judgment on the other end of those numbers, only help…and hope. Which, to be fair, we could all use a little more of, mentally ill or not.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)