Hiya friends, welcome back. Firstly, as you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been MIA for a few days, but I swear I have a good reason. Preparing for guests is a big job, and it’s my first time doing it, so to say that I’ve been a little busy is a major understatement. I also had some other things happen this week and I’ll discuss those more in the post.
Getting prepared for our guests has finally forced Hobbs and I to finish getting our house in order. Woohoo! I’ve only been begging him to help me decorate for 6 hoofin months. Better late than never, I suppose.
My morning was pretty routine, cleaning, homework, and then some more cleaning. When Hobbs got home from work, we went to Lowe’s and spent an obscene amount of money on light switch and outlet covers (seriously, why are those things so fucking expensive, and why do we have so many outlets in a house that’s 118 years old?).
Hobbs edit: I have to say that we also bought a weed whacker, and he would also like you to know that he plans on getting a leaf blower when the time comes. He’s very proud of his growing arsenal of lawn care products.
Personally, I cannot wait to see his face when he comes home from work one day and there is a six and a half foot tall (and eight foot long) inflatable dinosaur sprinkler in the
backyard for our friends’ kids to play in. (Side note: I’ve decided to name the sprinkler Roger, I told you I personify everything.)
When we got back from Lowe’s, we spent a good hour and a half putting all of the light switch/outlet covers on. I had a little blip during this, which really pissed me off. Mainly because I had been walking around the store for about an hour and not even a peep from the Asshole. Walk in my own fucking house and then he decides to start his shit. It was one of those times where I just pushed past him and kept it moving while he proceeded to throw his toys out of the pram because I wasn’t paying him enough attention.
I was a little anxious today. On the scale, I’d say I was probably coming in at a 7 or 8. What made it really annoying was that I really couldn’t figure out why. It probably didn’t help that Panic showed up at around noon and decided we were having a day together. Sometimes, I think I can handle both, anxiety and panic, really well when they’re separate, but when they decide to gang up on me? Yeah, fucking forget it.
I tried to push myself through as best I could, that day, if for no other reason than I had a ton of stuff to get done between homework and housework. I did end up getting more done than I expected, but I struggled a bit through everything I did.
It didn’t end there either, because why would it? When we went to bed that night, I had so much trouble falling asleep. It was probably around 4 am before I finally drifted off. I tried everything to get to my brain to shut down before then, but nothing worked. I don’t know if this happens to you guys, but whenever I can’t sleep there inevitably comes a time when I just get mad about it. I did alright until about 2 am, and then spent the next two hours getting aggravated. I know getting pissed about it won’t help, but I seriously can’t help it. Honestly, I’m positive the only reason I fell asleep then was just the fact that my body shut down. What a shitty day.
One thing that did happen on Sunday (between the homework and housework), is that I got it in my head to apply for a job. Now, my anxiety and panic has definitely hindered me in this aspect of my life. I haven’t worked in a while, basically because I couldn’t get myself to physically leave the house. Every time I walked out the front door, I would be massively panicky and anxious and basically unable to do anything, so I just avoided leaving the house altogether. Not being able to leave the house, meant that getting a job out of the house was out of the question. I went ahead and applied though, and just figured I might hear something back this time.
Later that night, Hobbs and I had to go to Lowe’s again to pick up a new breaker box for the house (ours is only a 100 amp, and that means no running the stove and the dryer at the same time. Buy a house, they said. It’ll be fun, they said…). A trip to Lowe’s meant that I needed to shut the Asshole and panic down so I could get my shit done, and that’s exactly what I did. I even went out to dinner, granted by the end of the meal, I was crawling out of my skin to get home, but still.
On Monday, I woke up tired as hell. I got very little sleep and the sleep I did get was nowhere near good. It’s safe to say I was a little pissy, okay…A LOT pissy. This entire day was spent working through my homework. I was convinced that if I just kept my mind busy, I would be able to keep out of the grips of the Asshole. Shockingly, it did help, just not completely. I ended up having a few blips throughout the day, nothing seriously major but I just didn’t feel right. I’m pretty sure that makes no sense to anyone. Let me explain.
Have you ever just felt off? That’s how I felt all day on Monday. I honestly don’t know if it was due to the lack of sleep or the Asshole just hanging around. It almost felt like I couldn’t get my brain and body on the same page. All. Damn. Day.
Interesting little thing that happened on Monday, was an email asking if I can schedule a time to take a test for that job I applied for. On one hand, I was super excited that they thought I could be a fit for this job. On the other, it just added to my anxiety. I fought with myself on whether or not to actually go through with scheduling it, and in the end I decided to go for it. After scheduling the test for the next day, I got to deal with the Asshole trying to make me bail on it. All of this definitely made it hard for me to sleep again that night.
Test day…oh man, I was rough this day. I tried my hardest to keep my brain away from the idea that, not only am I taking this test today, which if I bomb there goes the job, but also that I have to drive to Massachusetts to take it. If I let my brain wander, I would end up freaking out, and telling Hobbs I wasn’t going, to his credit he just said, “okay.”
In the end, I drove to Mass and took the test. Funnily enough, I didn’t panic while I was there. I was anxious on the drive up, but I just kept going. I did have a moment, while walking in the rain to the test. It gave me time to actually focus on the Asshole…never a good thing. He was having himself a grand ole time trying to convince me this whole thing was a waste of time. (He might not be wrong, but I don’t need him to remind me.) Once I was in there and got in to take the test, I had him locked tight in his maze, complete with barbed wire walls and lego floors (he really hates it and that gives me some sort of sick pleasure).
After taking the test, there was a major blip. I went the wrong way out of the building. I wasn’t paying attention, and ended up getting a little lost trying to find the car. I’ve never been great at reading the GPS map on my phone (I might have called my mom when I got home and bitched about never being put in Girl Scouts – I blame that entirely), and that led to me being lost walking around a city I didn’t know. It didn’t last very long, but it was definitely long enough for Panic to slide in and take over. Thankfully, I’m a master at hiding my fear after years of practice, and no one in the streets noticed that I was freaking the fuck out. I finally found the car and Hobbs – who had been patiently waiting for me – and got the hell outta Dodge. I didn’t even bother telling him that I got a little lost or had a panic attack in the rain until we got home.
That night, I drowned my post anxiety feelings in some video games (Tom Clancy’s The Division to be exact), shutting my brain down to save the people of New York City.
I was finally feeling back to “normal.” I really buckled down and got most of my homework done and I decorated the ground floor of the house. Alert the news media, people, there are things on our walls now – about fucking time, to be honest. I was super proud of myself, I drilled and hammered like a boss (did anyone else’s brain take a trip in the gutter? No? Just mine then?). Hobbs was the ever present moral support, helping me decide where things went but other than that I was on my own for the actual hanging.
On the whole, my day was pretty good, save for the accidental scratching of the paint in our dining room (oops). I took some me time yesterday too, I just vegged the hoof out for the rest of the night, played some more Division and then went to bed. Guess what? I was actually asleep by like 1 in the morning…that’s a good day, my friends.
Which finally brings us to today (cue seat dancing). I had an okay day, not great but definitely not one of the worst days I’ve ever had. I think it’s just because I have a lot going on right now. I found myself feeling rather panicky throughout the day, but it wasn’t unbearable. I got more done on my homework and then puttered around most of the day.
The Asshole stayed relatively quiet through the daylight hours, but as soon as night fell, I guess he decided it was game time. I spent a lot of the night battling and trying to get caught up on my blog. I don’t even know why he showed up, honestly. I did some thinking about it, and it could be a number of things, from preparing for our guests to worrying about this job I applied for. I’m basically too tired to fight him tonight, so I’m just going to attempt to sleep this away. Wish me luck!
It’s been an interesting week, and I’m glad I’m finally caught up here. You guys know the drill by now, there are two numbers down at the bottom, the National Suicide Prevention Helpline, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline, use them if you need them. See you lovely lot tomorrow.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)