Unedited and Unapologetic

Hiya friends, welcome back. First things first, my damn app lied to me, stupid period showed up today, and of course, we are having record high temps. In case you’re wondering, heat + period = a very anxious and unhappy me. Now, I’m not at ten or anything, but when these things combine I definitely end up finding a new normal for a few days. Right now, it’s 12 am, and I’m easily bouncing between a seven and eight.

MonstersLet’s walk through the day because I swore to be honest. I had trouble sleeping all night, while I love the warm weather, being too warm causes me some serious sleeping problems. Basically, I get too warm and my brain translates it into not feeling well, ie being warm equals having a fever which happens when you’re sick. What’s weird is that typing that out makes me realize how outrageous that really is, but that is pretty much how the Asshole operates. He takes something completely natural, like a beautifully warm spring day, and it becomes illness and sadness. He really is a dickhead!

I think because I struggled to get to sleep last night, I just knew waking up this morning was going to be shitty. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew the Asshole was in the room. I could feel the heaviness in my chest, and the cramps told me something else had showed up early. I tried to do my usual check-in, but honestly, within a few seconds, I knew it wasn’t a good idea. Like I said yesterday, sometimes it’s just going to make matters worse. I also knew immediately why it was happening, and while normally I might try to lounge in bed for a while, I needed to get up because there were things to be done. Mainly, a dog barking at me to go out.

I got up and tried to get my stuff done, truthfully I just wanted to rush through it so I could kind of wallow in my cramps, PMS, and who knows maybe annoy the Asshole by making him watch all of the crime documentaries I can find on Netflix. I mean, if he’s going to be around and ruin my fucking day, you bet your ass I’m gonna get annoy the piss out of him. Seriously, I keep trying to convince myself that it’ll scare him off, hasn’t worked yet but I’m not giving up. Okay, that was a tangent, and welcome to my ADHD.

Locked upAfter a while today, I think I just took my own damn advice from yesterday and sort of wrote the day off. Side note: I did watch a crime doc show on Netflix. I basically did just enough to ensure that the dog didn’t piss in a corner of the house. I didn’t cook dinner so we ordered out. I didn’t work on getting ahead for next term. Oh, I also went for a drive in the AC (Hobbs forgot his meter at work, so I took him to get it). Screw it.

It did get me thinking though and I wanted to talk about how when the Asshole shows up it can become really difficult for me to do certain things. The best way to explain what I’m talking about is to use these posts as my example. I love to write, it’s something that I enjoy doing and at times I even think I’m pretty fucking good at it. Enter Asshole, and my passion turns into loathing. I find myself struggling to find words, and when I do find them – if I find them – they sound stupid.

Full disclosure: I began this post last night, and I’m still working on it today. I have written and deleted sentence after sentence because they just sound lame, and I immediately think someone will read them and think I’m stupid. There is honestly no other way to put that, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t try to make it sound a little less…stupid. I hate when I struggle with almost anything, especially my creativity because it’s something I feel is very defining to who I am. So, when Recordsomething comes along and fucks that up I tend to be left feeling extremely defeated in the end. I will second guess every single word that I’ve typed, every sentence I have uttered to anyone throughout the day becomes a sticking point in my brain. Imagine having a record player in the room you’re always sitting in, it’s always on, there is always noise coming from it, but it’s constantly repeating the same line. That is what it’s like when the Asshole decides I’m shitty at something. Particularly idiotic things I’ve said or written become immortalized in his “Greatest Hits,” to be pulled out and replayed when he decides I need to be knocked off my high horse. I have a saying that I have told everyone in my life at least one, “you can never make me feel as bad as I can make myself feel.”

This is what my day was like yesterday, this is the honesty I promised you. There are times when I make jokes about my brain and how it fucks with me, and I can pull myself out of the loop and laugh at the Asshole’s attempts. Then there are times like now, where I can feel the burning in the back of my throat from tears I refuse to let fall. It’s a bitch when your own brain works to effectively dismantle everything you think you know about yourself.

I think it’s pretty safe to say this is all you’re going to get out of me today, my friends. As usual below are two numbers, the National Suicide Prevention Helpline, and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) Treatment Referral Helpline, use them if you need them. I’ll be back tomorrow, and I hope you guys will too.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

SAMHSA: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

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